Alfonse (Full name "Alfonse Just Alfonse" according to himself, or "Alfonse Bragadocci ‘FleaBoy’ Stagnation Jr. III" according to various others) is a dirt enthusiast who doesn’t sell any kind of product, aside from occasionally offering 'wisdoms' free of charge.
Alfonse has the appearance of an average burrowing owl.
Because of his caustic, prideful nature and his tendency to be easily provoked, Alfonse often conflicts with others. Even his friendships involve frequent arguments and threats of violence. Despite this, he can occasionally display kindness and generosity, especially if his sizeable ego is fed.
Alfonse came into existence at least 200,000 years ago. For a time he lived in a pocket universe with Alanor the One-Legg'd and Alrond the Fucking Tiny, two owls created from his own essence, before a dimensional rupture forcibly ejected them from their home and sent them hurtling through the cosmos. Eventually visiting Earth, Alfonse decided to stay due to the exquisite quality of its dirt.
Naturally, Alfonse lives in a burrow, which he usually refers to as his hovel. The burrow consists of a vast network of twisting hallways and chambers which are constantly shifting in size. It houses an unknown number of owls, stated by Alfonse to be beyond measure. These owls are referred to as the Council, with Alanor, Alrond and himself comprising the Inner Council. Anyone of any species can be granted the position of 'honorary Council member'. However, this position is essentially meaningless.