Alfonse (Full name "Alfonse Just Alfonse" according to himself, "Alfonse Bragadocci ‘FleaBoy’ Stagnation Jr. III" or variations thereof according to various others) is a burrowing owl who doesn’t sell any kind of product or service, aside from occasionally offering 'wisdoms' free of charge. He is a dirt enthusiast who employs many different uses for the substance, both living in it, constructing things from it, and eating it in vast quantities.
Alfonse has the appearance of an average burrowing owl.
Because of his highly vain, prideful nature and his tendency to be easily provoked, Alfonse often conflicts with other vendors. Even his friendships involve frequent arguments and threats of violence. Despite this, he can occasionally display kindness and generosity, especially if his sizeable ego is fed.
He is very fond of the jazz rock band Steely Dan.
Alfonse first came into existence in a completely secluded pocket universe at an unknown time over 200,000 years ago. For a time he lived there with the company of Alanor the One-Legg'd and Alrond the Fucking Tiny, two owls created from his own essence, before a sudden dimensional rupture forcibly ejected them from their home and sent them hurtling through the cosmos. Eventually visiting Earth, he decided to stay there due to the exquisite quality of its dirt.
Naturally, Alfonse lives in a burrow, which he refers to as his hovel. The burrow consists of a vast network of twisting hallways and chambers which are constantly shifting in size. It houses an unknown number of owls, stated by Alfonse to be beyond measure. These owls are referred to as the Council, with Alanor, Alrond and himself comprising the Inner Council. Anyone of any species can be granted the position of honorary Council member, however this position is essentially meaningless.
With Roberta: Alfonse and Roberta met as enemies, but went on to become firm allies, murdering Danes together and fighting alongside one another against the likes of John Cancalosi and Bill E. Dingley. They bicker and fight frequently but overall have what can be described as a friendly rivalry.
With Aaron: Though they have also fought together, Alfonse's relationship with Aaron is more antagonistic on both ends. Alfonse regards Aaron as a nuisance, and at one point, seemed convinced that the sheep had died in a car accident.
With Oswald: Oswald and Alfonse have a generally amicable relationship, despite occasional disagreements and insults.
With Hobbes: Similar to above.
With Henry (policeboy100): Alfonse and Henry are enemies due to the former's unrepentant and ongoing criminal history, including tax evasion, assault, and possible mafia affiliation.