Lionel is a babirusa who lives at the entrance to the terrifying Sticky Caves, which contain the Heart of Probability (guarded by an entity known as the Large One, described as "obstreperous"). The Heart is claimed by Lionel and his team of scientists to contain the Book of Shapes, but Elmer disagrees with him on this. Lionel was born in the Sea of Trees, but was kidnapped many years ago. He speaks in a language somewhat similar to Sands Vernacular. The purpose of his blog is to compel people to donate money to him, to fund his many goals. These goals include:
returning to the Sea of Trees
becoming Emperor (it is unknown what Lionel wants to become emperor of)
swallowing the sun
passing the Wade-Davis Bill
destroying all land trees
Lionel has three known unnamed family members: a Uintatherium, a Chalicotherium, and a Dickinsonia costata. They apparently speak to him in dreams.